natural.evolution–

I just wanted to stop by and say thank you for the love and support that was given to me. Yesterday was the service and it was one of the HARDEST days of my life but I made it through. Because I have to. My sister is and was a wonderful person and I’ll love and respect and cherish her until my last breath. I saw yesterday how many lives she touched. Over 500 people showed up to pay their respects and the funeral procession was a mile and a half long. So she was sooo special to so many others and not just me.

My brother in law told my niece and nephews something yesterday that is going to stick in my head “don’t cry out of fear because I got you but just cry because you love and miss her… everything will be okay.” So I’m getting to the point where I’m just crying out of sorrow and the fear is subsiding. I know my niece and nephews are going to have the best life and I’ll be there every step of the way. It’s going to be hard but we’ll definitely make it. So again thanks for all the kind words.

My Sister
1968-2006

I am hurting so much right now I can’t even explain it. It’s a story that I don’t want to explain. But unexpectedly my sister is gone. My big sister who I looked up to wanted to be like and secretly admired is gone. I ache so bad. My soul is hollering the tears won’t stop flowing. My niece and nephews no longer have a mom, my brother in law no longer has a wife, I no longer have a sister and I don’t know what I’m going to do. Who will I tell my secrets, who will be my matron of honor when I get married, who will be in the delivery room with me when I have my babies, who will spoil me, and tell me to watch out for boys, who will be my sister. I am SO EMPTY. I can’t explain it. I want people to stop asking me what happened does it matter she’s not here I want them to stop asking how am I I’ll never see my sister again what do you think I want people to stop running in and out of her house if you didn’t see her when she was alive then don’t come now. I’m hurt. I’m pissed. I’m angry. I want to literally scream at the top of my lungs. I don’t know when I’ll be back because the pain I feel right now has me in no mood to write or share my thoughts.

My world has been shattered into a billion little pieces.

It’s almost the weekend. Which means I am days closer to my vacation… I’ve been counting down for a minute. I’ve got the tanning oil with a little spf in it of course(yes I do tan I want to come back with golden brown skin), the bathing suits, and all the clothes lined up on my couch and ready to be packed and I’m not even leaving until Wednesday. But the million dollar question is what am I doing with my hair. I go through this ALL the time. My problem this time is that I really have not a clue how I want my hair. The way things are looking I will be rocking a big curly fro and curly ponytails and that will be that. No need to waste money I suppose.

This whole dating things is for the birds too lol. I haven’t quit dating. And am actually still “with” the same person. But it’s just hard. And yes I know life isn’t easy blah blah blah… but being in a relationship with a workaholic is stress on a womans life. When you either have to sneak up on or make an appointment for dates its crazy. And we had gotten to the point where we were only talking maybe once or twice aweek. But recently we’ve implemented a system where if the other person comes in your mind no matter what time you call them. This fool calls me all the time now lol. So it feels good to know that I’m on his mind so much. But then I feel bad because I’m not really calling him that often haha.

I mentioned on my old blog that I gave up meat. It’s been a journey I tell you. I went to the doctor and he told me my iron was too low, especially since I’m slightly anemic. He suggested some meat but I’m going to try and tough it out by eating iron rich foods such as dark chocolate and my favorite spinach. It’s funny how I love spinach now. I eat it at least 2-3 times a week and as a kid I absolutely hated it. But I realize its all in the preparation. My entire family hated it. Now I even have my grandma on it. Asparagus too. I used to hate it but now I will roast some (with brussel sprouts) in sea salt and balsamic vinegar and its so good. Anyway I tried these “chicken” patties the other day. All I have to say is technology is WILD. This product is vegetarian with no meat whatsoever and tasted JUST like chicken. Texture and all. I had to read over the ingredients twice to make sure I got the right thing. Stuff like that is making the transition so much easier. But it’s also freaking me out because I want to know how it tastes like chicken.

Well me being the mini health nut that I’ve become am off for my afternoon walk. I hope everyones weekend is fantabulous. I have a hot stone massage lined and a pedicure as a part of SpaWeek I so can’t wait! And then of course my appointment with the manfriend. Hopefully we’ll chill since gas is so freaking ridiculous. But anyway have a spectacular weekend!

bouquets of alstroemeria in crystal vases… the scent of sandalwood candles wafting in the air…. soft I love you’s whispered in my ear… gentle breezes while walking by the water… soulful chords floating out the stereo… good hair days- filled with coils and naps and big bushy hair… my 3 year old nephews voice on the phone at 6am saying good morning aunt chrissy…. long afternoons gazing at paintings and sculptures… times of solitude to reflect and meditate… snapping pictures of Gods creations around me… glasses clinking as we toast the good times…. singing at the top of my lungs in the car with the girls- "before I let you gooo-ohhh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-ohhh-oh oh"… those that have left me behind but live in my heart… dancing until my body aches… running and watching the sun set… my other nephew IMing me just to check on me and tell me that he loves me– even though he’s a preteen and thats not the "cool" thing to do… running barefoot through the grass… eating off the good china– even if it’s just a bk veggie burger… pilates class where I can feeeeeeel the burn… talking on the phone until we fall asleep… finding that perfect lipgloss… singing so hard I lose my voice… the high of getting on an airplane to go somewhere new… my niece when she smiles and tells me thank you for being her aunt…. running into the ocean… being happy… laying in my bed enveloped in down and egyptian cotton… memories of loves of the past… when my mommy tells me that she is proud of me… a good concert… how my legs look in a good pair of stiletto’s… how my dance class makes me feel… a good kiss… being pampered… how sexy a wrap dress can make you feel…. my sisters— both blood and by fate… a good book… people watching… a good cup of tea… my flaws… barefeet and long flowy skirts…. being a nerd… finding my sweet spot… brown skin of all hues… thunderstorms… those that don’t love me…. the feeling of peace inside that no one else can understand

Good morning! Hope everyone had a great weekend and a wonderful Resurrection Sunday. I had a fabulous weekend. Didn’t do anything extremely wild of out of the ordinary but it was just fun. Saturday night though I was really touched and blessed. I had an opportunity to go to a juvenile detention center and sing with my P&W team. The kids were middle school and high school age and they were just really receptive and open to hearing the music we were singing. We got them out there dancing and moving and I think they were happy/excited to see young men and women all in their 20’s having fun and worshiping. We also got a chance to talk and pray with people and it was good feeling to be able to hug someone and wipe away their tears especially when a lot of them feel rejected and betrayed by society and their family’s as well.

Sunday was just a blessing. P&W team had to sing all day so I was at church from 7-2. I was exhausted, had no voice and knew pastors sermon by heart when I left (happens when you hear it three times lol). But I still felt really good and uplifted.

Also made my first serious cobbler yesterday lol. I always talk about cooking but that is usually real food. I’ve never been a big baker because thats a science with all the measuring and stuff. But I made a peach one that was pretty good, nice balance of tart and sweet and I made a sweet potatoe one that was just great if I do say so lol. So there is my pat on the back for this week.

I got a call from someone I used to date last night. He was doing his regular but irregular call that he likes to do (basically him trying to see if I’m dating, suffering, etc lol). So anyway since the last time he called I’ve made a lot of changes in my life (mainly removing elements, people, acts…). So he goes on a "remember when" spree and I swear all the remember whens were of things I told him I had "given up." I say I don’t eat meat anymore and he’s like remember when we went to Strip House and how good that steak was. I say I don’t drink and he’s telling me about how he was going to send me some lemoncello he got in Italy, I say I’m trying to be abstinant and he reminds me of that time, well you get the picture lol. I swear dude is lucifers first cousin. People are always trying to tempt you when you are trying to move on and release things.

BUt I guess thats enough rambling for the moment. I need to be working anyway. Have a great day!

Is anyone as bad as I am at trying to give people hints that I’m not interested in them? Yesterday I was out running (and walking) jamming listening to my i.pod and all of a sudden I see a man jogging next to me. So I kind of slow down because I was thinking he was trying to get by. Then he slows down too and just starts talking. I don’t know about the rest of yall but having a convo, when Im in a exercise mood and hot and sweaty is not my cup of tea. So he’s like yeah I saw you from behind and was like homegirl is really doing her thing. So I said oh ok thanks. Try to put on my headphones and keep running… but what does he do, pick up his pace and continually talk. Asked me why my man wasnt exercising with me and I was trying so hard to lie but when you are listening to Christian music in your earset it makes it hard. So I said something about dating someone hoping he’d take it as being more serious then what it is. But that still didnt stop him. So he keeps walking and running beside me for two more laps. Then he asks me if I wanted to go grab some dinner.

Nooo. I don’t want to go in a restaurant with a complete stranger who doesn’t know me from Eve, smelling musty and looking a mess. So I hit him with the well it’s time I head out nice talking to you. And dude is still walking beside me talking. Is he really going to follow me to my car?

Of Course.

So now it’s real awkward. He’s like are you free this weekend. No I’m not. What about Next weekend? I’m kind of busy too. The following? I’ll be on vacation. Okay so how about I give you a call. Darn. I was hoping he didnt say that.

But I wanted to be left alone so I was like okay fine. Then he realized he had no phone on him. My first instinct was when he went to his car to get his phone I’d jet off and never look back. But I like running there. And knowing my luck I’d see him again. But then again if I brush him off Id still more then likely still have to see him again out there. So I got in my car and cranked it up. And he was too quick for me right by my window phone in hand waiting for the number. sigh. So me being the punk I am I give it to him. And this fool calls it on the spot talking about he wanted to make sure he had the right number before I pulled off. sigh.

I hate situations like that. I don’t know how to say no and I thought I was giving him hints that I wasnt interested i.e. no eye contact, quick answers, uninterested tone… but I guess it wasn’t working. Bad part is he called my cell a good hour and a half later. Then when I didn’t answer he sent me a text. Looks like I may have to change my running time or find a new running spot… or perhaps just carry a tazer lol

I was tagged to do this meme by a friend…. even thought I don’t want to I’m going go ahead for you and only you lol

Basics
Relationship status: technically single
Height: 5′6"
Shoe: big lol
Parents still together: my mom is a widow
Siblings: one of each
Pets: haven’t had a pet in a minute

Favourites
Colour: red, pink and purple
Number: 7
Animal: fish lol… something easy to maintain
Drinks: Water, jasmine tea, fresh lemonade, iced tea
Meal: Used to be crap stuffed salmon… lately it’s been this vegetarian lasagna and eggplant parm
Soda: ginger ale
Book: I can’t choose just one… but right now it’s Cure for the Common Life

Do you?
Colour your hair: Nope, natural black
Have tattoos: Yes
Piercings: Yes
Like cleaning: No but once I get started I’m a monster lol
Know how to drive: Yep, been driving before I was supposed to know how

Have you ever…
Been in a physical fight: I am too cute for that
Kicked someone in the nuts: haha yes I did (sorry guys)
Stolen anything: besides moments. some office supplies but govt workers call that reparations lol
Held a gun: yes (and can shoot it)
Drank: yes
Cried over a guy: yes lawd, for days
Been in love: yes
Lied to someone: yep
Cried over a girl: when I was little I prob cried over something a girl said

Currents
Current clothing: black shirtdress and black stiletto pump, with pearls
Current mood: tired
Current taste: fiji water in my mouth
Current smell: lemon air freshener in my office
Current thing I ought to be doing: writing a press release
Current CDs in stereo: praise and worship cd’s (songs I need to learn for church)
Last book you read: Cure for the Common Life by Max Lucado
Last movie you saw: King Kong at my friends house the other night
Last thing you ate: pineapple I cut up this morning
Last person you talked to on the phone: My momma

Do you…?
Do drugs: No.
Have a dream that keeps coming back: occasionally
Play an instrument: besides my voice… a little piano
Read the newspaper: New York Times, Washington Post and whatever Google News and CNN has

Every Sunday I feel like I’m getting spiritually convicted. My pastor has been doing a series on finding your sweet spot and it is based off the to book called "Cure for the Common Life" by Max Lucado. In this book Lucado urges the readers to find there sweet spot and live in it. Mainly your sweet spot is connected to your career and your destined place and then it funnels into your life. Each person has an area in life that they are destined to do. But the question is are we doing it. And if not Why? This thing has been eating away at me since the series started and I really think it’s time for me to take a leap of faith and follow my hearts desires.

thought I’d share a little from the book.

Da Vinci painted one Mona Lisa. Beethoven composed one Fifth Symphony. And God made one version of you. He custom designed you for a one-of-a-kind assignment. Mine like a gold digger the unique-to-you nuggets from your life. Brick by brick, life by life, God is creating a kingdom, a “spiritual house” (1 Pet. 2:5 CEV). He entrusted you with a key task in the project. Examine your tools and discover it. Your ability unveils your destiny. “If anyone ministers, let him do it as with the ability which God supplies, that in all things God may be glorified through Jesus Christ” (1 Pet. 4:11).

When God gives an assignment, he also gives the skill. Study your skills, then, to reveal your assignment. Look at you. Your uncanny ease with numbers. Your quenchless curiosity about chemistry. Others stare at blueprints and yawn; you read them and drool. “I was made to do this,” you say.

Heed that inner music. No one else hears it the way you do.

Can yall tell I’m happy?!?

I’m excited that weekend is here but a tad bit sad that I can’t be in NY this weekend to celebrate my Deltaversary with my linesisters . I’ll be there in spirit though and I will definitely call and say my I love you’s and hello’s.

Tonight I’m going to an event at a church in Bmore. My friend is singing background for a neo soul christian artist and then there is an open mic set and poetry etc. etc.

Tomorrow the dreaded dentist. He’s actually not so bad though so I can’t complain. Then a rehearsal for singing and hopefully shopping. Tomorrow night I’m going to chill. Spend some time with the manfriend and watch movies and chill since we haven’t seen each other in AGES.

Sunday gotta go get my Jesus on and hopefully I can chill somemore and relax.

So what are the plans this weekend?

this picture is so beautiful to me. It was taken by a friend of mine at an event his job hosts. We ought to be able to come to God with a pure heart and innocent like a child. With all the things around her that could be distracting her she’s giving her attention to God.

Sometimes we need a child to lead by example.