natural.evolution–

That is me. I tend to over think A LOT. Especially with all that has been going on in my life the past month. I just start thinking what if I had done this or said that and I should have made the nurses let me stay at tthe hospital longer and so on. I know nothing I do or think can change the situation but overthinking is what seperates a good day from a bad day for me.

I LOVE my niece and nephews and I can just look at them and feel so proud. I remember my sister used to say sometimes I think they love you more then me in a joking way and now I’ve sort of transitioned to being their “mom” figure. In the past few months my sister and I would have convo’s about varying things and it would always stem back to them and in a way it was like she was unknowingly preparing me. Sharing about little quirks and how the little one likes his oatmeal and how my niece acts grown but is really a clingy but loving kid, and how my oldest nephew has the most gentle spirit. THese are things I knew but she shared little extra’s along the way.

I was just looking at my nephew Saturday and almost made myself cry. He’s about to be 4 and he doesn’t have a mommy. He was at my house and he fell. hard and he started to cry and scream “I want my…” then there was a pause and he said “my big brother.” I wonder what goes on in his mind and what he thinks about his mommy going away and not coming back. He says she’s an angel and he actually has been the strongest one, he was handing out tissues at the viewing and funeral and kissed her before we closed the casket. He’s only asked a few questions but what he asked was just out of curiousity “Why did they put dirt on top of her,” “why is heaven a better place,” and “if she is up there why did they put her under the dirt.” All questions that are wise for a three year old and so hard to answer. When we couldn’t answer to his liking he just said fine I’m going to finish my slurpee. It’s just odd to think what goes on in his mind.

Then I overthink and wonder what if my brother in law gets married again. Will I get to be as integral in their lives as I am now? Of course he isn’t thinking about that now but I just really think too hard. Then I wonder how are things going to work when I have to split time when I get married and have kids. Again overthinking. Sometimes I can really just work myself up and make myself go batty thinking so hard. I know I have to live day to day and try to stay focused but idle time just leads to these wild scenario’s in my head. Gotta stay focused I suppose

I swear it seems like my hair is getting bigger and bigger but not longer. I have this big curly head of hair and the M.O.M (man of the moment– I know that’s mean lol) was like wow that thing is wide lol. I know it’s long when I do straighten it but because I rarely do all I see is my hair expanding outward

Growing out eyebrows area pain. most guys have not a clue what I’m speaking of but women know whats up lol. I decided that I was going to have an affair on my brow artist and try someone new. But I want to try someone new with a clean slate. So I’m growing them out. Let’s just say a bushy face is not sexy and thank GAWD for makeup tricks.

I hate a trend. But lawd I love bermuda shorts lol. I have them in dressy fabrics, madras, seersucker, and plain old cotton. They are hot with flats, flip flops, a pump, a strappy sandal or a boat shoe and the best part about them is they show just enough leg lol. My friend and I were out on the water the other day and this guy was like gosh you have some sexy strong legs :rolleyes: , that wasn’t the best compliment at all and got him no where, but I guess my leg presses at the gym paid off.

I’ve become uber feminine. Not that I was manly before but in the past 9 months I’ve purchased more dresses then ever. From designer wrap dresses to vintage numbers and now that summer is here it’s on. I am reporting for skirt and dress duty. This is my latest conquest…

I’m In loooove

On the flipiside of being all feminine who needs a man… just kidding (sort of). Anyway I needed a new grill (cooking surface not one for my teeth). So I went to the store and I see this big old charcoal grill (don’t do the gas) with the side shelves holding tray warming wrack and all the bells and whistles and I fell in love especially since I saw that free assembly sign. So I put it in the cart then go and get a chimney, cleaning stuff and tools. I head to the register and ask about the assembly and she says turnaround is 9-14 days. for a grill?!?… I’m not asking for a ford So I was like no thanks, but I loved that grill and I wanted it. So I did what any modern girl would do. I bought it and I sat down in front of the t.v. and watched idol and put it together. I was so proud of me. There had to be 34837489348 pieces in that box. But unlike a man I read the instructions, did it step by step and at the end tadaaaa a nice shiney grill. Also no screws or washers or bolts left (when men don’t read there are always like 3 screws left and they wonder why the grill falls when you put a hot.dog on it lol. But anyway I’m happy with that. Just have to figure out what I’m cooking on it.

Did you know reading fashion/beauty blogs can be bad for your pockets. I already spend an excessive amount of time and money on haircare stuff (those who know me know it’s a true obsession) but now add to that more makeup and other skincare stuff and it’s crazy. I feel really self concious about my skin especially when someone CONSTANTLY tells you you have the softest skin of anyone they know lol. Pressure man, pressure.

I need to do some real work though. So I’ll write more later

about me. yes another meme. someone tagged me on my.space and I don’t blog there so I promised I’d post it here. Again thanks for all the kind words. Things are getting better. My internal sunshine is starting to peak again. And I know the best is yet to come. So onward with this meme

1. How tall are you barefoot?
5′6″

2. Have you ever flown first-class?
Yes it’s been a minute though

3. One of your favorite books when you were a child?
Roll of Thunder Hear My Cry

4. A good restaurant in your city?
Have so many favorites. I’ll list three… Cafe Asia which I go to ALL the time (when I say all the time I mean the guy comes to the table and tells me my order lol), DC Coast- most that know me know I love this spot, and then Roy’s in Baltimore- it’s Hawaiian fusion has a great prix fixe menu along with other good stuff (hawaiian martini)

5. What is your favorite small appliance?
My steamer. I cook everything from veggies, to rice to seafood in there

6. One person that never fails to make you laugh?
My mom… she is one of the silliest people I know

7. What’s your favorite Christmas song?
not a song but Handels Messiah

8. What was the first music that you ever bought?
The Boys cassette tape was the first thing I got with MY money

9. Do you do push-ups?
yep last time the trainer had me do 99

10. What was one of your favorite games as a child?
dodgeball

11.What is the one thing that you cook that always receives compliments?
so many things… Morrocan spiced chicken is always a hit as well as my spinach lasagna

12. When you were twelve years old, what did you want to be when you grew up?
a gynocologist (where I got that from I’m not sure)

13. Your favorite Soup of the Day?
My grandma’s vegetable soup. It’s so good and it’s homemade, from the stock to her cutting and peeling each vegetable

14. What in your life are you most grateful for?
So many thing. But right now it would be my faith and my support system. It’s astounding!

15. Have you ever met someone famous?
Yep but fame is all relative… like people I think are famous others may not know

16. Date Of Birth?
06-24-81 (all gifts are accepted)

17. Top 3 thoughts at this exact moment:
I wonder what he’s doing
Can’t wait for the weekend
do I really want sushi again for lunch… it’s so good though

19. Name five drinks you regularly drink:
Water
Green Tea
lemonade
blood orange soda (SO good)
peach iced tea

20. From what news source do you receive the bulk of your news?
The newspaper. I read like five papers a day. Then the net.

21. Current hair?
curly and big

22. Current worry?
my nieces and nephew and how I can support them

23. Current hate?
no hate just have some disdain

24. Favorite place to be?
on the water

25. Least favorite place to be?
Work

26. Do you consider yourself well organized?
an organized mess

27. Do you believe in a afterlife?
I believe in heaven.

28. Where do you think you will be in 10 Yrs?
Someones wife and mommy and in political PR

29. Do you burn or tan?
I tan to a gorgeous rosey golden brown

31. Are you more optimistic or pessimistic about the future?
optimistic. there is nowhere to go but up. and I have some eyes that are watching me so I HAVE to be succesful.

32. Last time you had an alcoholic drink?
Last Saturday at this Mexican Restaurant and it was good

33. What songs do you sing in the shower?
none. I’m focused on cleaning and exfoliating and such

34. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a kid?
alligators. for some reason I just KNEW they lived under my bed

35. What’s in your pockets right now?
a dollar and three pennies

36. Last thing that made you laugh?
my co-worker

37. Best bed sheets you had as a child?
strawberry shortcake (I still own them… don’t use them though lol)

38. Worst injury you’ve ever had?
Head trauma after my car accident

39. Favorite song?
Hmm anything by Fred Hammond. I’m a groupie

40. How many TVs do you own?
three

41. In the last calendar year, how many people have you told that you love them?
So many people. Can’t even count.

42. Last thing that made you blush?
When my friend told me the first time he touched my skin that’s when he fell in love with me

43. Best Compliment received?
That my spirit is beautiful and shines like no other

44. What song is in your head?
Be Exalted by Marvin.Sapp

45. What is your favorite book?
Cure.For.The.Common.Life

46. Last meal you cooked for the opposite sex?
banana nut (macadamia) pancakes with some chicken sausage

47. What songs do you want played at your wedding?
Jesu, Joy of Man’s Desiring, Trumpet Voluntary, Canon in D and Sheep May Safely Graze- I love classical at weddings

48. What song do you want played at your funeral?
Don’t Cry for me, going up yonder, and then some rejoiceful songs

49. What were you doing at 12 midnight last night?
On the phone and eating a quesadilla

50. What would you like to accomplish with the remaining years of your life?
I can’t plan everything because tomorrow is not promised. But I hope to attain a succesful marriage, great children, I hope to help raise my niece and nephews to be great adults, I hope to be succesful (according to my standards) career wise, and I hope to continue to be used as a vessel having God’s light reflect through me.

Wanted to do something lighthearted so…. I stole this from aquababies blog

YOUR FIRST YEAR OF COLLEGE……*What do ya’ll remember?

*School:* Pace University, Pleasantville NY

*Where did you live?* I lived in Valley House

*Who was/were your roommate(s)?* Norika first semester and then this girl Sandy that was never there second semester

*Do you still talk to them?* nope lol

*Ever get in trouble in the dorms?* nope we didn’t have any rules so it’s not like there was much trouble to get into

*Something you remember about when you first lived on campus?* the first week when we went to the caf for a cookout and I met all the black people and all the football players (who preyed every year).

*Your campus phone number or other number:* Can’t remember

*First party attended? * I’m sure it was in either wilcox

*First Bar you got wasted at?* I drank in the dorm lol

*Favorite Pizza Place? * Lucio’s Pizzeria

*Favorite place to go out to eat?* hmm in Pville it was On’s (the chinese spot that delivered) in BCliff it was Amalfi’s they had some good pasta

*Did you go to the library? * I sure did I stayed in Mortola

*What was your Favorite Floor you’d always be on? * Dow Hall 2nd floor

*Club, Athletics, Frat or Sororities, you joined?* I was a booster (the black cheerleaders), was in PIPE the gospel choir and everything else I think I joined/pledged my sophomore year and on

*Where did you buy your books? * first semester in the bookstore second in there and online

*Who made the best wings? * The Caf.. those chicken drummies were great

*Ever attend a sporting event?* of course I saw that wack ass team play lol

*Ever attend a concert or comedic performance?* I’m sure i did

*Have you ever spent the night on campus not in your dorm hall?* I was always in Dow so I’m sure I stayed the night over there

*Favorite night to go out on, and where did you go?* Thursdays. Freshman year didnt have a car so I dont even know how we got around lol

*Where did you get coffee?* I didn’t drink coffee.

*Favorite part of Halloween?* The costume parties

*Go see a play or been in one?* Not my freshman year

*Did you ever have a job at school? * I worked at the phon-a-thon all 3.5 years there

*What do you hate about your college?* That it could get REAL boring and the smell of those animals lol

*What did you love most about it?* so many memories, good friends, lotts of fun, and plenty of foolishness

*Ever leave to go on a road trip, where?* I know we went skiing and philly cant think of where else

*Where would you believe is the best location to live in? * I loved Dow Hall because its an old mansion.

*Graduated or still attending?* i finished in 03

*Will you go back?* To visit sure. Great memories there

*How many parking tickets have you gotten there? * One but it wasnt my freshman year.

*Finally, ever gotten arrested?* nope.

Feeling better today. Just have those moments where things feel like they are about to explode. But I’ve found that I do better writing, crying, screaming and leting things out. Because when I hold them in just disasterous.

I will say one thing though. A loss really helps you see who really has your back and supports you. Also brings some people out from hiding that you wish would have stayed there lol. One thing I can say is I really appreciate some of my internet friends. They were some of the FIRST people to call and email and just say hello and they also have my living room smelling lovely with flowers and even sent books and trinkets and notions for the kids… and most of them I’ve never seen face to face. Then also my real life friends. Have just been supportive too. Some further away then others. But it’s okay. The surprising thing was that people I haven’t talked to in AGES came out the woodworks including some exes that could have stayed in the shed lol but I appreciate it all. With all the love and support you do run into a few asses. My big sister always looked out for me in a lot of ways and even in this situation she did the same because this also revealed in BIG WAY some people I had to cut loose immediately. But I can say that I feel okay.

Am I feeling better, a little. Am I running around smiling and skipping nah. But I know better days are to come. And I do really thank all of you all for supoprting me

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There are so many things running through my head right now that I don’t even know where to begin. There is fear, worry, anger, feelings of selfisness, confusion, doubt and overall sadness. It’s crazy how in a matter of two weeks your life can completely change. You go from being an aunt who sees your niece and nephews a few times a month and talks once a week to talking to them just about everyday sometimes several times a day picking them up on the weekend and trying to console and nurture them. I know I’m selfish and I know that I constantly say I’m not ready to be anyones mother, which I’m not, but I have this shadow cast on me where I feel like I have to be something like a mom to them. I’ve been in all of their lives since day one. I’ve been there every step of the way and know more about them then most aunts do. In a way I feel like I’ve been prepped all along to help raise them but it’s scary. My brother in law is aching and it’s hard to help him and the kids get sad when they see their dad sad. It’s just all so hard.

I went with him to take the kids to the gravesite for the first time yesterday and it was sad. My brother in law started crying, then my oldest nephew, and my niece began to cry. The little nephew is finally starting to grasp it a little more. He wanted to know why they put dirt on top of his mommy. And why is heaven a “better place” then here and why she had to leave. And everything you tried to explain to him he said “but why” after a while I just had to tell him I don’t know why.

This is just so hard. I’ve experienced death and pain and loss. But never like this. I’ve lost a parent and my other sibling. But this just hit me in a different way. I feel like I’ve been through soo much in 24 years. I don’t want to say life isn’t fair, but it isn’t. I keep hoping this is a nightmare. But I can’t seem to wake up from it