I am hurting so much right now I can’t even explain it. It’s a story that I don’t want to explain. But unexpectedly my sister is gone. My big sister who I looked up to wanted to be like and secretly admired is gone. I ache so bad. My soul is hollering the tears won’t stop flowing. My niece and nephews no longer have a mom, my brother in law no longer has a wife, I no longer have a sister and I don’t know what I’m going to do. Who will I tell my secrets, who will be my matron of honor when I get married, who will be in the delivery room with me when I have my babies, who will spoil me, and tell me to watch out for boys, who will be my sister. I am SO EMPTY. I can’t explain it. I want people to stop asking me what happened does it matter she’s not here I want them to stop asking how am I I’ll never see my sister again what do you think I want people to stop running in and out of her house if you didn’t see her when she was alive then don’t come now. I’m hurt. I’m pissed. I’m angry. I want to literally scream at the top of my lungs. I don’t know when I’ll be back because the pain I feel right now has me in no mood to write or share my thoughts.
My world has been shattered into a billion little pieces.
Today is my Deltaversary. I’ve been in my illustrious organization for five years and I swear time has flown. Thinking about the day made me think about how joining DST allowed me to meet and become not only friends but family with some young women I would have probably never met, let alone become good friends and family with. Then it made me think about all the great friends that I have in my life and how they are all unique and different and yet serve different purposes in my life as sisters.
Of course I have my birthsister. She was 13 when I was born, treated me like a doll my mom said she’d come home and find me propped up on the bed with my hair slicked down with vaseline and bright pink dresses and shoes on smelling like lotion and powder. She’s always treated me like her doll. Overprotected me (wayy more then my mother), spoiled me and pretty much been there for me whenever I need her. We’ve hit some rough patches (me hitting puberty hating the world) but now I can say I really love her and we’ve become closer– in spite of the age gap– even though she still thinks I’m 12.
My girls from back.in.the.day.when.I.was.young.I’m.not.a.kid.anymore. We’ve gone on this emotional rollercoaster. Pretty much like blood sisters. In love with each other one minute, and loving from a far the next. But the best thing about that friendship is that even though over the years we’ve grown up and gone on different paths– we always come back together. And that is what is so important.
My undergrad sisters. A lot of them I met my first few weeks of stepping foot on campus. They became people that were apart of my daily life for over 3 years. we grew up and became women together. Stayed up late laughing, acted mischievous, ran across campus, and ran from those deer with. A lot of them know more then people I grew up with up. ANd thats why I respect them as sisters.
My grad school sisters. We really needed each other. Seriously. We had no choice but to bond. We were black women in Syracuse seeking the next level of education. We gave each other a release. Times to laugh, party, do the potluck thing, go bowling in the snow just to get out the house, and road trip together. We were family when we needed it the most.
My singing sisters. These are some of the most dynamic women I know. Young purpose diven women in there 20’s totally sold out for God and using their instruments to praise him. They have totally inspired me to step up my game and my walk. To really live my life in a way so that people can see what I sing resonating through me. So for them I’m grateful.
My in between sisters. I have a lot of sisters that I have and you just floated in at various points in life. Whether it be by being a friend of a friend. Me meeting you somewhere and we clicking or whatever. Those sisterhoods are important too because they just happened. Naturally and easy.
And the reason why I even started this post– my linesisters. Gosh I love yall for real. Seriously. And to think if it wasn’t for Delta we probably would have never met let alone love each other and care so much for each other. I consider you all to be such a blessing in my life. Yall are my go to girls. My family and I miss and love yall. Who would have thought that when we met 5 years ago that all this would have happened. Folks getting married, getting extra degrees, changing the world! We were just all there because we hungered for the same thing. And now yall are really my sisters. I have to thank you all for your love and support for me even when I have done, said and typed stupid things. That means the world to me. More then you’ll ever know.
