I’ve been MIA for a little bit
I was out of town celebrating a graduation (yaay to my cousin for getting her master’s)
I’ve been prepping for school and this new lifestyle program I’m participating in… along with regular work crap, freelance work and trying to squeeze a social life in there
I also had some more pause and reflect moments and decided that a relationship with a particular person just wasn’t in the cards
although he looked great on paper and is a really standup guy, in the end his world and my world weren’t going to connect in the way I hoped
and makes no sense IMO forcing something together just because it looks good and others want it to work
I know I’m growing up because my friend was like “do you know what he makes?!?”
I do
and that still has no bearings on me wanting to be with him
because in the end that doesn’t matter
sometimes I reflect on a relationship of the past and think about how my selfishness and insecurities really messed up a good thing…
was he all I wanted in a guy
not completely
but all the things I thought I wanted then are just minor details in the big scheme of things and not what is REALLY important
when I reflect I think wow if I hadn’t have been such a hardass then perhaps…
but one never knows and at this point I guess that ship has sailed
but I’m totally appreciative and thankful for that opportunity because he really helped me set a precedent of how I should be treated and how I REALLY should treat a guy
I feel a little more settled now in a lot of ways
I’m not saying I’m ready to sit down and pop out babies back to back but I think I’m really starting to fully grasp how I’d like for my life to be
I want a well balanced succesful life
Like this whole school thing it’s helping me connect and get an entirely different set of skills
and the degree is outside the tiny box I’ve been in the last four years since I got my master’s
this could take me in a entire other direction in my career and thats what I want to do
this lifestyle program I’m participating in…
I’ve seen it change peoples attitude not only about their health but just living a better wholistic life
I feel like thats an element that is going to make me who I see myself as
I have an entire series of lessons lined up for the summer
I’m getting back on horses again and I’m pulling out the clubs so I can head to the driving range
I’m trying to make a better me
not for anyone else but for me
so much work to do
but it’s nothing I can’t handle
Discovering God’s unique plan for our lives is both humbling and inspiring: humbling because though we are but a drop in the ocean, the Creator of the universe has a plan for our individual lives; and inspiring as that plan becomes revealed and our unique talents and attributes get put to work in carrying it out.
The past week has been busy. I kind of had an epiphany one night that I really needed to stop being so complacent and decide if I was going to really live the life that I want and desire to have. So in the past week I’ve made some major changes. I asked God for assistance and direction in what I need to do. In a span of a week school is paid for, the director of the program I want to do called me yesterday saying she got my info and is excited to have me…. I consolidated some things so that I was able to pay off every credit card which is a miracle in its self… I’ve gotten back into activities I love like community service and sorority/n p h c stuff… and I’m back to running and really trying to get my body how I want it to be.
God is really revealing things to me and showing me changes I need to make and he’s taking away some distractions that I didn’t really realize were effecting my life as much as they do. I’ve had some obstacles and people that have tried to distract me but I’m standing my ground. I’m knocking goals off my list and making strides so that I can be the best Christen and Christian possible.
I’m so tired.
It was a long weekend and it’s looking to be an even longer week. I had a blast at all the CBC events this past weekend. I got to meet some really cool folks and had a good time in general with my girls and all the politicians. Since I’ve gotten back from South Africa I’ve been partying like it’s 1999 every weekend. It’s taking it’s toll on me. But I’m enjoying it so much. Been enjoying life and taking pictures and smiling and being happy. That is something that has taken me a while to fall back into.
I get in my moods, funks, pity parties and why me periods occasionally. But I’m actually back at semi peaceful state and it feels great. Someone told me I had “that glow” and asked was I in love or getting some (unfortunately the answer is neither). But I’m pretty much happy with me.
The job I hated is getting better and I’m getting more responsibility and things to stack on that resume. More travel opportunities are arizing. My freelance site is FINALLY done. Lost 25 pounds and am still losing. I’ve finally fallen out of love with someone completely and totally (amen lol). I have some friends that I’ve only known for a short period but they have really just helped me take my life to another level.
Things are really looking up and steadily rising and I’m happy and smiling about that.
Have you ever just had one of those “ahaa” moments and it really put things in perspective. The other day while at the conference I was attending I was sitting in the VIP seating area, next to general such and such and lieutenant so and so and commander xyz and there on the table on a nameplate with my name on it “Ms. M.” I listened to the U.S. Marine.Band and watched how reverent everyone was in the room while listening to the music and when the color guard came in and while the chaplain was praying. Sitting there kind of day dreaming in between taking notes and doing my work I realized wow I’m really blessed. Not that I didn’t know that before but sometimes it takes little things that seem really insignificant to put the big picture into perspective. I’m only 25 years old but I have a great job and a great paying job at that which is a whole other story and blessing in its self. Because I set a personal deadline for when I wanted to be out of my old job… and about 3.5 weeks before that date I got a call from a company that had “found” my resume. Wanted to interview me and basically offered me the job before I left making a few thousand more then my salary requirement…. And I started 2 days before my “goal date” of having a new job… But like I said that is a whole other story lol. I have had a lot of experiences where I KNOW other people in my situation would have given up or used it as a crutch not to succeed, but for me it was just a step. I have a great family, really good friends… especially my newest circle that guide me to make morally correct decisions. I’ve also learned a lot about myself and the mistakes I’ve made in not expressing myself and telling others how I feel, or being cold trying to shelter myself, or just learning when to be silent.
All that came into mind from just seeing my name on a little nameplate on the table. Seeing my name made me realize that wouldn’t be the first or the last time I’d be in that position and that I really need to get myself ready and prepare for what is in store for me because failure is not an option. At all.
about me. yes another meme. someone tagged me on my.space and I don’t blog there so I promised I’d post it here. Again thanks for all the kind words. Things are getting better. My internal sunshine is starting to peak again. And I know the best is yet to come. So onward with this meme 
1. How tall are you barefoot?
5′6″
2. Have you ever flown first-class?
Yes it’s been a minute though
3. One of your favorite books when you were a child?
Roll of Thunder Hear My Cry
4. A good restaurant in your city?
Have so many favorites. I’ll list three… Cafe Asia which I go to ALL the time (when I say all the time I mean the guy comes to the table and tells me my order lol), DC Coast- most that know me know I love this spot, and then Roy’s in Baltimore- it’s Hawaiian fusion has a great prix fixe menu along with other good stuff (hawaiian martini)
5. What is your favorite small appliance?
My steamer. I cook everything from veggies, to rice to seafood in there
6. One person that never fails to make you laugh?
My mom… she is one of the silliest people I know
7. What’s your favorite Christmas song?
not a song but Handels Messiah
8. What was the first music that you ever bought?
The Boys cassette tape was the first thing I got with MY money
9. Do you do push-ups?
yep last time the trainer had me do 99
10. What was one of your favorite games as a child?
dodgeball
11.What is the one thing that you cook that always receives compliments?
so many things… Morrocan spiced chicken is always a hit as well as my spinach lasagna
12. When you were twelve years old, what did you want to be when you grew up?
a gynocologist (where I got that from I’m not sure)
13. Your favorite Soup of the Day?
My grandma’s vegetable soup. It’s so good and it’s homemade, from the stock to her cutting and peeling each vegetable
14. What in your life are you most grateful for?
So many thing. But right now it would be my faith and my support system. It’s astounding!
15. Have you ever met someone famous?
Yep but fame is all relative… like people I think are famous others may not know
16. Date Of Birth?
06-24-81 (all gifts are accepted)
17. Top 3 thoughts at this exact moment:
I wonder what he’s doing
Can’t wait for the weekend
do I really want sushi again for lunch… it’s so good though
19. Name five drinks you regularly drink:
Water
Green Tea
lemonade
blood orange soda (SO good)
peach iced tea
20. From what news source do you receive the bulk of your news?
The newspaper. I read like five papers a day. Then the net.
21. Current hair?
curly and big
22. Current worry?
my nieces and nephew and how I can support them
23. Current hate?
no hate just have some disdain
24. Favorite place to be?
on the water
25. Least favorite place to be?
Work
26. Do you consider yourself well organized?
an organized mess
27. Do you believe in a afterlife?
I believe in heaven.
28. Where do you think you will be in 10 Yrs?
Someones wife and mommy and in political PR
29. Do you burn or tan?
I tan to a gorgeous rosey golden brown
31. Are you more optimistic or pessimistic about the future?
optimistic. there is nowhere to go but up. and I have some eyes that are watching me so I HAVE to be succesful.
32. Last time you had an alcoholic drink?
Last Saturday at this Mexican Restaurant and it was good
33. What songs do you sing in the shower?
none. I’m focused on cleaning and exfoliating and such
34. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a kid?
alligators. for some reason I just KNEW they lived under my bed
35. What’s in your pockets right now?
a dollar and three pennies
36. Last thing that made you laugh?
my co-worker
37. Best bed sheets you had as a child?
strawberry shortcake (I still own them… don’t use them though lol)
38. Worst injury you’ve ever had?
Head trauma after my car accident
39. Favorite song?
Hmm anything by Fred Hammond. I’m a groupie
40. How many TVs do you own?
three
41. In the last calendar year, how many people have you told that you love them?
So many people. Can’t even count.
42. Last thing that made you blush?
When my friend told me the first time he touched my skin that’s when he fell in love with me
43. Best Compliment received?
That my spirit is beautiful and shines like no other
44. What song is in your head?
Be Exalted by Marvin.Sapp
45. What is your favorite book?
Cure.For.The.Common.Life
46. Last meal you cooked for the opposite sex?
banana nut (macadamia) pancakes with some chicken sausage
47. What songs do you want played at your wedding?
Jesu, Joy of Man’s Desiring, Trumpet Voluntary, Canon in D and Sheep May Safely Graze- I love classical at weddings
48. What song do you want played at your funeral?
Don’t Cry for me, going up yonder, and then some rejoiceful songs
49. What were you doing at 12 midnight last night?
On the phone and eating a quesadilla
50. What would you like to accomplish with the remaining years of your life?
I can’t plan everything because tomorrow is not promised. But I hope to attain a succesful marriage, great children, I hope to help raise my niece and nephews to be great adults, I hope to be succesful (according to my standards) career wise, and I hope to continue to be used as a vessel having God’s light reflect through me.
I am hurting so much right now I can’t even explain it. It’s a story that I don’t want to explain. But unexpectedly my sister is gone. My big sister who I looked up to wanted to be like and secretly admired is gone. I ache so bad. My soul is hollering the tears won’t stop flowing. My niece and nephews no longer have a mom, my brother in law no longer has a wife, I no longer have a sister and I don’t know what I’m going to do. Who will I tell my secrets, who will be my matron of honor when I get married, who will be in the delivery room with me when I have my babies, who will spoil me, and tell me to watch out for boys, who will be my sister. I am SO EMPTY. I can’t explain it. I want people to stop asking me what happened does it matter she’s not here I want them to stop asking how am I I’ll never see my sister again what do you think I want people to stop running in and out of her house if you didn’t see her when she was alive then don’t come now. I’m hurt. I’m pissed. I’m angry. I want to literally scream at the top of my lungs. I don’t know when I’ll be back because the pain I feel right now has me in no mood to write or share my thoughts.
My world has been shattered into a billion little pieces.
Every Sunday I feel like I’m getting spiritually convicted. My pastor has been doing a series on finding your sweet spot and it is based off the to book called "Cure for the Common Life" by Max Lucado. In this book Lucado urges the readers to find there sweet spot and live in it. Mainly your sweet spot is connected to your career and your destined place and then it funnels into your life. Each person has an area in life that they are destined to do. But the question is are we doing it. And if not Why? This thing has been eating away at me since the series started and I really think it’s time for me to take a leap of faith and follow my hearts desires.
thought I’d share a little from the book.
“Sweet spot.” Golfers understand the term. So do tennis players. Ever swung a baseball bat or paddled a Ping-Pong ball? If so, you know the oh so-nice feel of the sweet spot. Connect with these prime inches of real estate and kapow! The collective technologies of the universe afterburn the ball into orbit…What engineers give sports equipment, God gave you. A zone, a region, a life precinct in which you were made to dwell. He tailored the curves of your life to fit an empty space in his jigsaw puzzle. And life makes sweet sense when you find your spot. But how do you? Where do you go? What pills do you order, class do you take, or infomercial do you watch? None of the above. Simply quarry . . .your uniqueness.
Da Vinci painted one Mona Lisa. Beethoven composed one Fifth Symphony. And God made one version of you. He custom designed you for a one-of-a-kind assignment. Mine like a gold digger the unique-to-you nuggets from your life. Brick by brick, life by life, God is creating a kingdom, a “spiritual house” (1 Pet. 2:5 CEV). He entrusted you with a key task in the project. Examine your tools and discover it. Your ability unveils your destiny. “If anyone ministers, let him do it as with the ability which God supplies, that in all things God may be glorified through Jesus Christ” (1 Pet. 4:11).
When God gives an assignment, he also gives the skill. Study your skills, then, to reveal your assignment. Look at you. Your uncanny ease with numbers. Your quenchless curiosity about chemistry. Others stare at blueprints and yawn; you read them and drool. “I was made to do this,” you say.
Heed that inner music. No one else hears it the way you do.
